Road to an Imperfect Life: The Negative Space

Road to an Imperfect Life:

The Negative Space

This post is for me. 

I had been in the negative for a few weeks. 

In the negative.

What does that even mean? It's a big cloud of worry mixed with pessimistic cynicism. It's just unreasonable. I'm unreasonable and all this tends to happen when transition is happening in my life. And transition is just another word for change. I'm not good with change. Well, I'm not good with the transition part of change. I'm not good at the "going through it." But once I'm on the other side, I'm good. I can adjust. I'm 100% on board. It's just that pesky "going through it" part that punches me in the stomach.

So I was feeling it - all that negative space. Maybe it came on extra hard because it was summer and there was all of the sudden more idle time to let things simmer a little more. Here I was thinking summer would bring lazy days of time well spent with my kids in bed together, drinking coffee (me, not them), and writing or playing or reading or whatever our little hearts fancied.

But summer has really turned out to be quite the opposite. It started feeling hectic for no apparent reason and a little claustrophobic. Those beautiful, carefree mornings have been replaced by demands for oatmeal and ponies and cartoons and orange juice all at the same time, which just so happened to be at 7:30 in the morning.

I was beginning to feel like I had been cheated out of my carefree summer days. By who? I don't know. I would blame my kids except that it was me who had these unreasonable expectations so was it my fault? 

Of course not.

So I was in the negative space. I felt myself ranting more than raving and I don't like that girl. I don't like her at all. I mean, who doesn't love a good bitch session? But it was getting to the point where I was tired of myself. I was getting irritated by everyone who was getting so easily offended by what others were saying, including me. Meanwhile, I was getting so offended by everything everyone else was saying. Got that?

What was happening???

I was all wrapped up in that negative space.

Then I started to unwrap. I'm currently unwrapping.

And then suddenly I was blindsided by a realization: 

Holy shit I have some amazing people in my life. I am so lucky to have the family and friends I have in my little circle. 

Woah! What were those? Positive thoughts! Where have you been all this time? Welcome back! It's been so long!

The thing is that I don't want anyone to ever think that I don't feel 1000% lucky and blessed with the life I have. Yeah, we have some sadness. Maybe more than some. Probably more than some can handle. But that in no way negates how beautiful and amazing this life can be or how thankful I am to have it. 

I believe that happiness is a choice and I'm not sure I was choosing it. 

And then this evening another thought jumped out at me. I have some friends who are grieving losing their loved ones. Their children. Sometimes the sadness and heaviness of this life can be suffocating and you have to step away. But today, when the thought lingered, I stepped in.

There might come a day when something really bad could happen. And then I'll be sad for a very, very long time. That might sound depressing but I've been there before so it's familiar. After Christian's accident I felt such a deep pain that I didn't know when I'd ever be happy again. So I draw from that.

So if that someday comes and I'm so sad I don't know when I'll be happy again why wouldn't I choose being happy now? Why wouldn't I choose to seize the day? How much time do we really have until that sad day comes out and bites you? And maybe seizing the day means grasping at opportunity and sometimes it will mean coffee in bed with the kids. I don't know what it means. I think it means whatever you want it to mean. What I do know is that I don't want to waste this time I have right now.

I will always have rants, I love a good bitch fest, and I'm sure I'll have complaints about things because I'm still super judgy about everything. But what I really want is to be inspired. And to maybe inspire. I want more positive and less negative. 

I'm promising myself, on this my 33rd birthday, that I'm choosing inspiration. I'm choosing happiness. And I'm reminding myself to be grateful for those who love me as fiercely as I love them despite my many flaws.

Happy birthday to me.

2 comments:

  1. Oh those "negative spaces" that we all go through (and yes, sometimes for no good reason that you can think of). Unwrapping the gift of now is really the best way through - I agree! Thanks for sharing.

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  2. it IS all a choice: happiness, bitchiness, flat out rudeness (like my mother-in-law), seeing beauty, finding faults. We all have choice and sometimes we make the one that comes easiest and unfortunately for me sometimes that means complaining wins out over happiness but thanks to you I'll start trying to think differently.

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