Real Housewives of New Jersey: Black Hairspray and Awkward Bathtub Moments

The Real Housewives of New Jersey

Where black hairspray fights meet awkward bathtub scenes. (Shiver)


Okay. I cannot let this week go by without mentioning a single, solitary word about the Real Housewives of New Jersey. I mean, seriously.

I watched Sunday's episode on Tuesday night a mere few hours after driving back from Vegas. I have to say that this episode may go down in Housewives history as my favorite episode of the New Jersey franchise. At the very least, it's my favorite episode since Tre's infamous prostitution whore table flipping event. At the very least!

So they've all trekked up to this spooky castle where team builders delivered from self help books have arrived to help this God forsaken family. P.S. Nobody really wants to be there except for maybe Rosie and Teresa. Maybe.

THE BLACK SMUDGE FIGHT

We all clearly saw this, right? Teresa gets mad because Joey calls her "scum." She leaves in typical Teresa fashion and as she's storming out she tells Joe what Joey called her. Joe storms inside and demands Joey apologize. I'm not buying that he was defending his wife's honor at all. I think he was in "just give me a reason" mode and he jumped.

It doesn't matter, though, because Joe Gorga charges him. Melissa starts screaming, everyone is trying to pull the guys apart, and, again, Teresa is out of there!

I thought Teresa booking it was weird, but I don't have a problem with it. For one, like Teresa and Melissa could really pull the Joes apart. Not likely. And two, part of me thinks that maybe the two Joes should duke it out old school style. They seem to function on old school logic and barbarian tactics so a good ol' fashion fist fight seems like a good fit.

Meanwhile, Mr. and Mrs. Self Help are dumbfounded and ready to get the heck out of there.

When Theresa finally comes back in, the fight breaks up and Melissa starts calling Theresa "disgusting" for not helping to break up the fight.

Kathy is just worried about her nose job. Sounds legit.

At this point, Melissa is yapping next to Joey like an angry chihuahua. Over it.

Everyone goes back to their rooms threatening to leave and covered in black smudge. More on that later.

FABELLINI SUCKS?

A lot of stuff is said behind closed doors at this point. Mainly it's that Teresa is the devil, akin to Sadaam Hussein's sister and all that mess. But then Melissa starts ripping on Teresa's brands - her cook books, Fabellini - saying they suck and that she'll never get a "proper endorsement" because she makes up all these other products.

This was so ugly and so...desperate. It looks jealous. Which explains a lot of why Melissa is on the show. What does Melissa know about "proper endorsements" anyway? Um, pretty sure Teresa is a lot more successful at product development than you are, Melissa. Just ugly.

WHAT WAS THAT BLACK STUFF ANYWAY?

In perhaps one of the funniest freaking moments in Housewives' history, Joe Gorga admits that he uses black colored hair spray to fill in the blank spots in his thinning hair.

So when everyone who was involved in the fight was wondering what all that black stuff was - Melissa's pink shirt, Joe Guidice's face, everyone's hands and clothes - it was Joey's black hair spray!

He gets points for admitting that it was him all along and laughing behind everyone's backs about it.

THE MOST UNSEXY BRAVO HOUSEWIVES MOMENT EVER

Hey, Bravo. Please. No more awkward bathtub scenes with the Guidices. I can't take it. It was so uncomfortable from the strange boob shots to the champagne over Juicy Joe's chest. They couldn't even manage entwining their wine glasses. No. Just no.

THE FABULOUS DR. V

Dr. V prances in with all her advice and fabulousness and something else you're "allowed to look at" and she solves things. She is so spot on! I'm already a fan of hers but prior to her arrival, Joe Gorga wouldn't even talk to his sister. By the end of the episode they're crying in each other's arms.

THE TEARFUL EMBRACE

Who didn't feel real emotion here? This is why the NJ franchise is the best. It's so full of deep emotions and resentment. None of this frivolous stuff about who has what purse. (Unless you're Melissa and you're on Twitter.). It's all real stuff that families go through every day.

If you didn't at least almost cry at the end of this episode, you're dead inside.



MY TAKE

Yup, I'm Team Tre. You know that by now. She seems like the only one who wants to try. Everything Dr. V said about her was 100% accurate. Melissa is an angry elf. Everything she said and did was condescending.

Does everyone in the family NOT watch the show? Why is it always Tre's fault? Always?! Why can't Tre go to her husband but Melissa is allowed to go to hers? In all this season I've hardly seen Tre mention a bad word about Melissa. Melissa has nothing to say but bad things about Teresa. Every single episode.

Jealousy and anger do not look good on Melissa. Even the strongest of Melissa supports can't tell me she is coming off like the good witch this season. This is my problem with Melissa: She has no respect for Teresa. She has no respect for her as Joe's sister, she has no respect for the fact that Tre is the only reason Melissa is even on that show, and she has no respect for anything Tre has accomplished.

And, by the way, I hate that the Gorgas act like they're so much better than the Guidices. If that were remotely true, they would leave the show. Period.

I can't wait to see this Sunday's continuation! But I'll be out of town again. That won't stop me, though! DVR will save me and I'll be blogging it about it some time next week.

In the mean time, please, BRAVO! No more black hair spray fights and awkward bathtub scenes! I can't take it!

Here's a scene from next week!


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