Real Housewives of New Jersey: They're baaaaack!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey

The Holy Grail of Housewives

I think the tag line in my blog title says something about me loving trashy TV. I've also mentioned it a time or two (or ten).

So you can imagine my excitement that tonight my Real Housewives of New Jersey returned from hiatus.

This is like the holy grail of Housewives TV.

I have to blog about it. 

First, a little history about where I stand on Theresa Guidice.

I am a Theresa fan. 

[Let's all take a collective gasp.]

Yeah, I know she's crazy. I know she's immature. I know she's irrational, idiotic, and sometimes delusional. I know this about her. But I've been watching from the beginning. FROM THE BEGINNING, PEOPLE! Early on she was the comic relief. Harmless. She was fun to watch. And when she flipped that table EVERYONE thought she was a New Jersey bad ass. Don't even lie. You thought so, too.

It wasn't really until her family hitched a ride on the show, season three, I think. That's when Theresa's "character" took a turn into loony tunes. Enter Melissa (the sister in law) and Kathy (the cousin). 

I didn't like them at all. The reason is that the impression that they gave or that Bravo edited was that they were coming to take Theresa down while simultaneously securing a record deal and a dessert company. To this day, it is still Kathy/Melissa versus Theresa with seemingly no thank you to Theresa. Because without Theresa Kathy and Melissa would be irrelevant. Nobody would care about them, like it or not.

Okay, I could go further into this but this blog post will become a novel and I really want to get to the season premiere and I'm so happy it's now because summer TV sucks!

One more thing, though: Melissa! If you were never a stripper, what's the big effing deal?! It would seem to me that if you were never a stripper that's kind of the end of the discussion, no? So why all the anger? If someone accused me of being a stripper I would first think - Ohmigawd, what did I do last time I had a few drinks? But then I would remember that I didn't do anything and the whole accusation would be moot and kind of ridiculous.

On to tonight's episode!

We start with the opening scenes showing a devastated Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Hurricane Sandy demolished the Jersey Shore along with the summer homes of Theresa, Melissa, and Kathy.

Seeing this made me feel two ways.

1. Some of the quotes were awfully pretentious. "Thank God this is my second home." And then shots of Theresa donating all her stilettos in order for the hurricane victims to stay fashionable were a tad out of touch. Just a tad. But...

2. I still felt for the ladies. Their homes were in shambles. And you could really see the devastation on their faces when walking into their homes and witnessing all the damage.

We then visit Jacqueline and learn about her struggles with little Nicholas. Watching her struggle with her son to learn how to communicate was so painful and close to home. 

Let me tell you, it was hard to snark with such real life issues like autism and hurricanes! And this is part of why New Jersey so easily sucks you in! Despite their money and flagrant spending, they have family issues that are very real. And we're watching a family implode before our very eyes. Messed up? Probably. But it's the heart and soul of why reality TV is so frickin' addicting!

Anyway, Milania and Antonia want to see each other. And it's ironic because the perfect example of how to kiss and make up is right there in those two little girls. 

Rosie and Kathy revisit the reunion and how Kathy went off the deep end with her comments about Theresa's mom and dad. Kathy was definitely Angry Spice at the reunion. But she's back to being peaceful, aloof, salad eating Kathy again.

Caroline is trying to move to Hoboken. Two reasons. I'll let you guess.

We're back to Milania and Antonia and the awkward bead shop play date. Okay, did anyone seriously like that beaded sink? Come on. Nobody likes that. And Antonia gets an iPod from Milania for her birthday. She already has the iPod 4 but now she has an iPod 5 so she can be as fabulous as Milania. By the way, the girls and the Gorgas and Giudices haven't seen each other in over a year. Not awkward at all.

Speaking of Theresa's kids, is Gia Italian for trouble? She is so involved in this Housewives drama that I swear for a second I thought she was the sixth housewife. Go to your room, Gia!

So Caroline and Joe have a flirty friendship thing going on. I don't really get it but it's happening. And it looks like this is going to give Caroline a storyline as a peacemaker. But the strangest part of this whole thing is that it looks like Caroline might be throwing some shade at Not-a-Stripper Melissa. I'm not understanding this either but, apparently, we'll soon find out what this all means.

We didn't see a whole lot of Jacqueline but we did learn that Guidice/Gorga family drama is as important to Jacqueline as bleaching her southern parts. Good to know.

The best part of the whole episode? Previews for the whole season. Ahhh! Caroline and Theresa face off next? Yes, please!

Actually, I'm down for any New Jersey Housewives face off.

See you next week!

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